Are you being "Ghosted?"

3 reasons why going no contact happens & whether or not it's right or healthy

In the early 2000s & 2010’s, the term “ghosted” began getting utilized in the general public to describe when someone suddenly stops speaking to another person indefinitely. Think in a similar direction of John Gottman’s “Stonewalling” mechanism, but with no particular end in sight. Another way of describing the act of “ghosting” is referred to as “going no contact.” You might wonder why this would or could happen & whether or not it’s appropriate or healthy. Here are 3 reasons why people are doing it and whether or not it’s right or wrong to do so.

1)      Someone endured chronic unrepentant abuse

Many people will “ghost” a parent, spouse or sibling if there was some form of chronic abuse. Whether physical, emotional, mental or sexual, it can be enough for someone to decide they wish to discontinue contact with the other person. For some, mental and emotional abuse can be slightly easier to forgive, while others may find this to be more challenging. There are incredible stories of people who have endured both physical or sexual abuse and still been able to resume a healthy recovered relationship. This may not be for everyone. It depends on the person, the abuse, and again, the level of genuine repentance and long term changed behavior.

2)      Someone showed signs and symptoms of disordered personality

Sometimes people have deep-seated trauma in childhood. This can cause more enigmatic personality issues which are more challenging to navigate and often result in a lifelong struggle of management and care. People who believe they may have this issue are best supported in the domains of psychiatry and psychology, often with a spiritual form of support as well. Sometimes, people choose to distance or eliminate contact with a person who exudes signs and symptoms of personality disorder.

3)      Someone made it clear, in more than one way, they no longer desired the connection

This is a clear opportunity for clarity; but not always clear for everyone. If someone lets you know they no longer desire a connection, this is typically a firm message that is not to be ignored, though sometimes we do ignore it depending on how deeply we long for that connection. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is to truly honor their wishes, even if it hurts within us to do so.

Right or wrong? Healthy or unhealthy?

This is only to be determined on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes, as a boundary for self-preservation, people MUST eliminate contact. Sometimes this is a good thing. Everyone’s personal situation is extraordinarily unique, despite the similarities in stories. It may be most dependent upon the true heart of change in the abuser. People who struggle with disordered personality need help, support and love. When it is family, blood relative and spouse, it is often worth maintaining the connection for some. For others, they may choose to create distance. For friendships or more loose association connections, it may be easier for some to leave the friendship. If we wish to honor those we care about, and they desire to end the connection, we must attempt to accept this in time. It is so much easier to NOT speak with someone. Direct, honest and open communication is must more difficult. Even therapists struggle with this! Sometimes discontinuing contact for a season happens. It may hurt or damage the relationship; but it can be restored.

HOWEVER, as a counselor who supports reconciliation and restoration of relationships, I also believe that ghosting should be utilized on a rare occasion with great discernment and discretion. If you find yourself with a counselor that promotes your ghosting without

gently and gracefully encouraging reconnection, if it's possible/appropriate, you may consider exploring this topic more deeply. I prefer to see if there is ANY possibility of forgiveness, not forgetting, but forgiving. Forgiveness unbinds both you and the person who hurt you.